One year ago this morning, I lost my fiancé, Ted Welles. The past year has been the most tumultuous and lonely journey I never knew imaginable. I truly feel that through the love and the loss of Ted, I’ve experienced every emotion and its opposite: extreme highs clashed with harrowing lows. I’ve felt depression, rage, guilt, disparity, jealousy, hatred, and plummeting darkness – yet I’ve also felt empathy, love, gratitude, connection, gentleness, patience, and even a very few and far-between moments of bliss. At times, I’ve been brutally open and at others, fearfully introverted. On some days, I feel his spirit – and on others, I don’t. But no matter where Ted is or where he is not, he continues to teach me lessons about this blessed thing we call life, every single day.
I no longer believe that time is linear. I no longer believe that the past is any less of a fantasy than the future. I no longer believe that we are constrained by the vessel we call a body that we are given for this lifetime. I believe in a deeper, interconnected nexus – a web that links space, time, life, and emotion. And mostly, I believe in love. My love for Ted continues to grow drastically each day that I live without him physically by my side.
As a step in the process of my own healing, an offering to you, and a tribute to Ted – I’ve created a podcast based on the writing I have done over the past year. Recording these episodes lately has taken me back to those first moments after traumatic loss and viscerally reminded me of what’s important in life… and what’s not. Eulogy memorializes our story together, my vulnerable path through grief, and the sage of a man with whom I share such deep love.
Hug your loved ones today – with two arms, extra tight.