I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to be an inspiration because I meet grief with grace.
I don't want to have to be
brave.
I don't want a new chapter.
I don't
want to learn these lessons.
I don't want the sound of sirens to give me flashbacks.
I don't want the talk of death to remind me of you.
I don't
want to be jealous when I see love.
I don't
want to walk into our house and remember you're not here.
I don't want
to see a picture and be saddened by the memory.
I don't want you to be
past tense.
I don't want to avoid places because we went there together.
I don't want to hear songs and cry because the lyrics remind me of my
loss.
I don't want hugs of pity.
I don't want to be the woman who was
with that amazing man who died.
I don't want to have to be looked
after.
I don't want to be worried about.
I don't want to cry myself to
sleep every night.
I don't want life to look bleak.
I don't want the word
angel to remind me of you.
I want you.
I want to see the flecks of sunshine in your eyes.
I want
you to kiss every curve of my body.
I want you to ride me like you rode
the mountains.
I want to hear your laugh.
I want to see your smile.
I
want to sit next to you.
I want to marry you.
I want to be your wife.
I
want to be the mother of your children.
I want to watch you be a father.
I want my babies to look like you.
I want to make you a pie.
I want to work around each another in the
kitchen.
I want you to take a picture of me doing a handstand.
I want to you to rub my belly when my
stomach hurts.
I want you to write me a love note.
I want to make cookies with you.
I want to you to cook the eggs.
I want to sit next to you on the couch.
I
want to curl up on your lap.
I want you to bring me tea with three ice cubes.
I want you to hold my
hand.
I want you there when I'm hungover.
I want to lay my cheek on your chest.
I want to you to order the sushi.
I want to throw a party together.
I want to
listen to your new favorite song.
I want to you to remind me of that person's name.
I
want to make memories together.
I want to see you.
I want to touch you.
I want to smell you.
I want to lick you.
I want to taste you.
I want to turn you on.
I want to watch porn with you.
I
want to make you come.
I want to gaze into your
eyes.
I want to watch the sunrise with you.
I want to
grow old together.
I want to do yoga with you.
I want to pick out a lamp with you.
I want to go on a hike together.
I
want to take the dance classes we signed up for.
I want you to give me more crystal hearts.
I want to choose an outfit for
you to see.
I want you to tell me I look beautiful.
I want my phone to light up with a text from you.
I want to shovel
snow with you.
I want to pick out a Christmas tree together.
I want to get in the hot tub together.
I want to go to Jamaica with you.
I want to go on our honeymoon.
I want to make the bed with you.
I want to fold your
laundry.
I want us to eat almond butter on strawberries.
I want to take a shower with you.
I want to see you in the
bathroom mirror.
I want to buy you a new shirt.
I want to unbutton your
new shirt.
I want your new shirt on the floor.
I want you to bend me over the bathroom counter.
I want you to remind me to take my vitamins.
I want you to drum on my butt with your hands.
I want to see you in the crowd.
I want to watch you laugh.
I want to pull you close.
I want you there when I'm at a party.
I want to take your clothes to the dryer cleaner.
I want to
hear you sneeze.
I want to play dress
up with you.
I want to admire the view with you.
I want to walk the dog together.
I want to raise teenagers together.
I want you to finish the book you were reading.
I want to see you naked.
I want you to tell me I
work too much.
I want to watch a sitcom with you.
I want you to leave
me a voicemail.
I want you to buy me flowers.
I want you to drive.
I
want to put our hand prints in wet cement.
I want to smoke a joint with
you.
I want to stay up all night with you.
I want you next to me when I wake up.
I want
to have a glass of wine together.
I want you to tell me a joke.
I want
you to tell me I loaded the dishwasher wrong.
I want to hear you playing
the drums.
I want to watch you on stage.
I want to pop
champagne together.
I want to watch the turkeys with you.
I want you to
tell me my products are taking up too much room in the shower.
I want
you to tell me a fact about apple cider vinegar.
I want you to feed the
cat.
I want you to clean her litter box.
I want to make you a whiskey sour.
I want to take a bath with you.
I want to make fun of our feet
together.
I want to look at Playboy with you.
I want to hear your
opinion.
I want to agree with you.
I want you to tap your finger on my belly button.
I want you to
ask me what color I got my nails painted.
I want to clean out the
fridge with you.
I want you to ask me how my class was.
I want to double
check for pine nuts and sunflower seeds.
I want to make you fresh
juice.
I want a bite of your food.
I want another bite.
I want you to tell me to slow down.
I want you to put concealer
on the scars on my back because I can't reach.
I want to use
your body as my plaything.
I want you to pack us a cooler.
I want to wash the dishes with you.
I want to set
up the tent together.
I want to make salad dressing with you.
I want to
eat organic with you.
I want to keep trying to get you to
like sweet potatoes.
I want to go back to Canada with you and your family.
I want to grow a garden together.
I want to
complain about my headache to you.
I want to take the dog for a walk
with you.
I want to sit on the deck with you.
I want to climb things together.
I want to go back to the Playa with you.
I want us to play Yahtzee.
I want you to make a fire in the fireplace.
I want you to remind me not to use
so many paper towels.
I want to watch you watch music.
I want you to
teach me to ski.
I want you to teach me.
I want you to go on a date with you.
I want you to pay.
I want to snuggle with you.
I want to have hotel sex with you.
I want to have birthday sex with you.
I want to make love to you.
I want to fuck you.
I want you to tell me you love me.
I want my future to include you.
I want to know where you are.
I want you to kiss me at midnight.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Love Waves
I believe that love hits space like radio waves.
The love of my parents is one frequency. They have a respectful and passionate love. It's a love that I've looked up to as an inspiration my whole life. They are patient and always considerate of one another. My dad tells my mother constantly that she gets more and more beautiful each day. He writes her love poems with rubber stamps and she decorates the mirror above her dresser with the collection. She has never once told him that he is a nauseating driver, she simply lets it be and trusts that she will arrive with her stomach whole. He gives her honest feedback about what he thinks of her outfits. She never lets him win at cards. They are supportive and active parents, working together to nurture children who treat themselves and others with respect and kindness. Their love is long-lasting, over thirty years and still growing. I imagine that my parents frequency of love soars high in the sky. It beams through the heavens alongside of other great loves.
Each partnership forms a distinct love wave. The love of my best friend, Aliyah, and her husband, Ben, is one. They are grounded in their love, they have much in common and are honest best friends to one another. The love of Natalia and Jaime is another frequency – a fresh love that is driven by spiritual growth and the throws of passion. The love of Lena and Corey is another. Their love began in middle school and continues to morph as they discover themselves – a love vested in common values, family, and tradition.
There are billions of different frequencies of love that broadcast through space with various rates. Some loves are high up in the heavens. Maybe these are the loves of great poets, spiritual love, and loves that are immortal. Maybe they are simply loves that just got it right. There are the loves that run closer to the earth, lower waves of love. Maybe these are animal partnerships, like two swans that mate for life because of evolution and survival. Maybe it's violent love that is not rooted in understanding, but instead in control. Maybe it's love between a girl with a broken heart and her dog, who has been there with her through it all because of an unexplainable bond and also a nylon leash.
The waves aren't necessarily a constant line. They can pulse, like an EKG reading if the relationship is tumultuous or driven by passion. They can angle up, like positive growth on the Cartesian Plane, if the love grows. They can fade off, like the hush at the end of a whisper, if the love dies.
I have tested my theory and discovered many of the waves of love I've cast out into the universe: some lower frequencies, mid-range frequencies, perhaps lustful higher frequencies that quickly disintegrate. But, I have only truly known physical love: such as the love that exists between a man and a woman, a woman and a woman who are also lovers, a pair of close friends, a boy and his pet. I have known love that dies – sometimes to a halting finish, sometimes to a low-level hush. I have known love that grows – like a bond that is no longer romantic love but turns to a stronger connection in a platonic status, or a friendship that through trauma and pain changes into something more inescapably connected. I have known high frequency love – our love.
While I can't compare our love wave to other great loves (and don't want to), I know it was the strongest love I have felt. It was full acceptance. It was patience. It was excitement. It was trust. It was encouragement. It was devotion. It was growth. It was passion. But all of these words and emotions I use to describe our love exist mainly in physical-form. For instance, I can't trust you now in the way that I did when you were alive. I can't experience passion with you now, unfortunately. How can I encourage you, when I don't know what I'm encouraging or if I'm encouraging anything at all.
Where does the wave go when the man dies but the love doesn't?
Does it rise up? Does it descend? Does it disappear slowly? Is it already gone? Am I foolishly chasing imaginary stardust? Does it become divine love? Are you whizzing around my head like a hell-bent fly as my a guardian angel? Does it become universal love? Am I opening up to the love of nature and what is, because of what is no longer? I don't know.
I do know that no love wave is the same. I will never rebuild what we had. While I hope it is still there, beaming through the heavens as an example for others, I know I will never feel it in this body again. It has changed with grief. It has altered as it's been transferred to the unconscious. But what we had when you were alive will be there as a guide for me someday – when I decide I want to love again or when someone decides they want to love me and I let it in. But our wave of love is irreplaceable and unique, and I desperately miss it more and more with each of sorrowful breath.
The love of my parents is one frequency. They have a respectful and passionate love. It's a love that I've looked up to as an inspiration my whole life. They are patient and always considerate of one another. My dad tells my mother constantly that she gets more and more beautiful each day. He writes her love poems with rubber stamps and she decorates the mirror above her dresser with the collection. She has never once told him that he is a nauseating driver, she simply lets it be and trusts that she will arrive with her stomach whole. He gives her honest feedback about what he thinks of her outfits. She never lets him win at cards. They are supportive and active parents, working together to nurture children who treat themselves and others with respect and kindness. Their love is long-lasting, over thirty years and still growing. I imagine that my parents frequency of love soars high in the sky. It beams through the heavens alongside of other great loves.
Each partnership forms a distinct love wave. The love of my best friend, Aliyah, and her husband, Ben, is one. They are grounded in their love, they have much in common and are honest best friends to one another. The love of Natalia and Jaime is another frequency – a fresh love that is driven by spiritual growth and the throws of passion. The love of Lena and Corey is another. Their love began in middle school and continues to morph as they discover themselves – a love vested in common values, family, and tradition.
There are billions of different frequencies of love that broadcast through space with various rates. Some loves are high up in the heavens. Maybe these are the loves of great poets, spiritual love, and loves that are immortal. Maybe they are simply loves that just got it right. There are the loves that run closer to the earth, lower waves of love. Maybe these are animal partnerships, like two swans that mate for life because of evolution and survival. Maybe it's violent love that is not rooted in understanding, but instead in control. Maybe it's love between a girl with a broken heart and her dog, who has been there with her through it all because of an unexplainable bond and also a nylon leash.
The waves aren't necessarily a constant line. They can pulse, like an EKG reading if the relationship is tumultuous or driven by passion. They can angle up, like positive growth on the Cartesian Plane, if the love grows. They can fade off, like the hush at the end of a whisper, if the love dies.
I have tested my theory and discovered many of the waves of love I've cast out into the universe: some lower frequencies, mid-range frequencies, perhaps lustful higher frequencies that quickly disintegrate. But, I have only truly known physical love: such as the love that exists between a man and a woman, a woman and a woman who are also lovers, a pair of close friends, a boy and his pet. I have known love that dies – sometimes to a halting finish, sometimes to a low-level hush. I have known love that grows – like a bond that is no longer romantic love but turns to a stronger connection in a platonic status, or a friendship that through trauma and pain changes into something more inescapably connected. I have known high frequency love – our love.
While I can't compare our love wave to other great loves (and don't want to), I know it was the strongest love I have felt. It was full acceptance. It was patience. It was excitement. It was trust. It was encouragement. It was devotion. It was growth. It was passion. But all of these words and emotions I use to describe our love exist mainly in physical-form. For instance, I can't trust you now in the way that I did when you were alive. I can't experience passion with you now, unfortunately. How can I encourage you, when I don't know what I'm encouraging or if I'm encouraging anything at all.
Where does the wave go when the man dies but the love doesn't?
Does it rise up? Does it descend? Does it disappear slowly? Is it already gone? Am I foolishly chasing imaginary stardust? Does it become divine love? Are you whizzing around my head like a hell-bent fly as my a guardian angel? Does it become universal love? Am I opening up to the love of nature and what is, because of what is no longer? I don't know.
I do know that no love wave is the same. I will never rebuild what we had. While I hope it is still there, beaming through the heavens as an example for others, I know I will never feel it in this body again. It has changed with grief. It has altered as it's been transferred to the unconscious. But what we had when you were alive will be there as a guide for me someday – when I decide I want to love again or when someone decides they want to love me and I let it in. But our wave of love is irreplaceable and unique, and I desperately miss it more and more with each of sorrowful breath.
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