144 Things I Want and 20 I Don't

I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to be an inspiration because I meet grief with grace.
I don't want to have to be brave.
I don't want a new chapter.
I don't want to learn these lessons.
I don't want the sound of sirens to give me flashbacks.
I don't want the talk of death to remind me of you.
I don't want to be jealous when I see love.
I don't want to walk into our house and remember you're not here.
I don't want to see a picture and be saddened by the memory.
I don't want you to be past tense.
I don't want to avoid places because we went there together.
I don't want to hear songs and cry because the lyrics remind me of my loss.
I don't want hugs of pity.
I don't want to be the woman who was with that amazing man who died.
I don't want to have to be looked after.
I don't want to be worried about.
I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night.
I don't want life to look bleak.
I don't want the word angel to remind me of you.

I want you.
I want to see the flecks of sunshine in your eyes.
I want you to kiss every curve of my body.
I want you to ride me like you rode the mountains.
I want to hear your laugh.
I want to see your smile.
I want to sit next to you.
I want to marry you.
I want to be your wife.
I want to be the mother of your children.
I want to watch you be a father.
I want my babies to look like you.
I want to make you a pie. 
I want to work around each another in the kitchen.
I want you to take a picture of me doing a handstand.
I want to you to rub my belly when my stomach hurts.
I want you to write me a love note.
I want to make cookies with you.
I want to you to cook the eggs.
I want to sit next to you on the couch.
I want to curl up on your lap.
I want you to bring me tea with three ice cubes.
I want you to hold my hand.
I want you there when I'm hungover.
I want to lay my cheek on your chest.
I want to you to order the sushi.
I want to throw a party together.
I want to listen to your new favorite song.
I want to you to remind me of that person's name.
I want to make memories together.
I want to see you.
I want to touch you.
I want to smell you.
I want to lick you.
I want to taste you.
I want to turn you on.
I want to watch porn with you.
I want to make you come.
I want to gaze into your eyes.
I want to watch the sunrise with you.
I want to grow old together.
I want to do yoga with you.
I want to pick out a lamp with you.
I want to go on a hike together.
I want to take the dance classes we signed up for.
I want you to give me more crystal hearts.
I want to choose an outfit for you to see.
I want you to tell me I look beautiful.
I want my phone to light up with a text from you.
I want to shovel snow with you.
I want to pick out a Christmas tree together.
I want to get in the hot tub together.
I want to go to Jamaica with you.
I want to go on our honeymoon.
I want to make the bed with you.
I want to fold your laundry.
I want us to eat almond butter on strawberries.
I want to take a shower with you.
I want to see you in the bathroom mirror.
I want to buy you a new shirt.
I want to unbutton your new shirt.
I want your new shirt on the floor.
I want you to bend me over the bathroom counter.
I want you to remind me to take my vitamins.
I want you to drum on my butt with your hands. 
I want to see you in the crowd.
I want to watch you laugh.
I want to pull you close.
I want you there when I'm at a party.
I want to take your clothes to the dryer cleaner.
I want to hear you sneeze.
I want to play dress up with you.
I want to admire the view with you.
I want to walk the dog together.
I want to raise teenagers together.
I want you to finish the book you were reading.
I want to see you naked.
I want you to tell me I work too much.
I want to watch a sitcom with you.
I want you to leave me a voicemail.
I want you to buy me flowers.
I want you to drive.
I want to put our hand prints in wet cement.
I want to smoke a joint with you.
I want to stay up all night with you.
I want you next to me when I wake up.
I want to have a glass of wine together.
I want you to tell me a joke.
I want you to tell me I loaded the dishwasher wrong.
I want to hear you playing the drums.
I want to watch you on stage.
I want to pop champagne together.
I want to watch the turkeys with you. 
I want you to tell me my products are taking up too much room in the shower.
I want you to tell me a fact about apple cider vinegar.
I want you to feed the cat.
I want you to clean her litter box.
I want to make you a whiskey sour. 
I want to take a bath with you.
I want to make fun of our feet together.
I want to look at Playboy with you.
I want to hear your opinion.
I want to agree with you.
I want you to tap your finger on my belly button.
I want you to ask me what color I got my nails painted.
I want to clean out the fridge with you.
I want you to ask me how my class was.
I want to double check for pine nuts and sunflower seeds.
I want to make you fresh juice.
I want a bite of your food.
I want another bite.
I want you to tell me to slow down.
I want you to put concealer on the scars on my back because I can't reach.
I want to use your body as my plaything. 
I want you to pack us a cooler.
I want to wash the dishes with you.
I want to set up the tent together.
I want to make salad dressing with you.
I want to eat organic with you.
I want to keep trying to get you to like sweet potatoes. 
I want to go back to Canada with you and your family.
I want to grow a garden together.
I want to complain about my headache to you.
I want to take the dog for a walk with you.
I want to sit on the deck with you.
I want to climb things together.
I want to go back to the Playa with you.
I want us to play Yahtzee.
I want you to make a fire in the fireplace.
I want you to remind me not to use so many paper towels.
I want to watch you watch music.
I want you to teach me to ski.
I want you to teach me.
I want you to go on a date with you.
I want you to pay.
I want to snuggle with you.
I want to have hotel sex with you.
I want to have birthday sex with you.
I want to make love to you.
I want to fuck you.
I want you to tell me you love me.
I want my future to include you. 
I want to know where you are.
I want you to kiss me at midnight.

One Dimple

I have been told that someday the memories of you will bring a smile to my face rather than a storm of tears. Until then, I choke through the memories like taking my vitamins. I know they're good. I know they'll make me feel better. But they're so damn hard to swallow. They get stuck in my throat. I want to remember them, but I keep forgetting. Maybe someday looking at our photos will make me happy too. When I see them now it feels like someone is reaching their hand through my chest and grabbing my beating heart out of my body and squishing it until it's purple with bruises.

You're so handsome in all the photos, more handsome then I ever realized, in fact. I just look at your gorgeous face and think, "But he's supposed to be mine. We knew it. We were so sure!" It makes me so confused. The photos document that you were here. But also remind me again that you are not. That you were so beautiful and now you are intangible. That you were mine and now you're not. I don't understand.

Looking at you in a photo, I see how alive your eyes are. I stare at them and wait for you to blink. But they don't. I see how warm your skin looks. I run my hand on the image and try to feel your pulse. But I can't find it. I notice the clothes you're wearing. They are hanging in the closet. They are still here. Where are you? I see your smile in the photos. You had a little dimple on one cheek. You had slightly crooked teeth and gold crowns that shined when you smiled big. I want to see you smile again, Teddy. When you smiled my whole body came alive!

When I smiled with you it was the most genuine grin I ever flashed. All of my smiles had been fakes until I was by your side. I was always happy when I was with you. I don't think I'll ever smile again and actually mean it. I feel like I'm rotting without you. I want my heart to just stop beating but instead it beats faster.

Sometimes I yell at God, "When will you see how sad I am and help me? Do something! Do anything! Perform a miracle, please!!!? Just bring him back. He didn't deserve to die. He was the most amazing man in the Universe. Can't you see how many people loved him? How he did NO wrong, ever? Please. Take anyone but him. Take me. Anyone but him."

I don't understand it. I never will. Why would you be the one to be taken? You had so much more to give. You had so much more joy to feel and love to share. You and I were going to show the whole world what true love was. Maybe it was just a glitch in the system. That some angel turned his head or took a pee break, and like that, you were gone. It was an accident. I hope God got really mad up there after that happened. I hope that the angel who turned his head got fired. Fuck, I hope he got beheaded.

I miss you so much. You were the only one who could just look into my eyes and tell me everything would be OK. You were the only one who could touch me and make me turn from sorrow to joy. You were the only one who could make me smile like that. You were the only one who could make me enjoy doing something I never thought I'd enjoy. You were the only one I ever saw down the aisle when I was dressed in white in my dreams. You were simply the one. I knew it. I couldn't wait to be yours forever. Life was supposed to be so beautiful. And now I don't know anything. I can't find you anywhere. I miss you so much.