One Dimple

I have been told that someday the memories of you will bring a smile to my face rather than a storm of tears. Until then, I choke through the memories like taking my vitamins. I know they're good. I know they'll make me feel better. But they're so damn hard to swallow. They get stuck in my throat. I want to remember them, but I keep forgetting. Maybe someday looking at our photos will make me happy too. When I see them now it feels like someone is reaching their hand through my chest and grabbing my beating heart out of my body and squishing it until it's purple with bruises.

You're so handsome in all the photos, more handsome then I ever realized, in fact. I just look at your gorgeous face and think, "But he's supposed to be mine. We knew it. We were so sure!" It makes me so confused. The photos document that you were here. But also remind me again that you are not. That you were so beautiful and now you are intangible. That you were mine and now you're not. I don't understand.

Looking at you in a photo, I see how alive your eyes are. I stare at them and wait for you to blink. But they don't. I see how warm your skin looks. I run my hand on the image and try to feel your pulse. But I can't find it. I notice the clothes you're wearing. They are hanging in the closet. They are still here. Where are you? I see your smile in the photos. You had a little dimple on one cheek. You had slightly crooked teeth and gold crowns that shined when you smiled big. I want to see you smile again, Teddy. When you smiled my whole body came alive!

When I smiled with you it was the most genuine grin I ever flashed. All of my smiles had been fakes until I was by your side. I was always happy when I was with you. I don't think I'll ever smile again and actually mean it. I feel like I'm rotting without you. I want my heart to just stop beating but instead it beats faster.

Sometimes I yell at God, "When will you see how sad I am and help me? Do something! Do anything! Perform a miracle, please!!!? Just bring him back. He didn't deserve to die. He was the most amazing man in the Universe. Can't you see how many people loved him? How he did NO wrong, ever? Please. Take anyone but him. Take me. Anyone but him."

I don't understand it. I never will. Why would you be the one to be taken? You had so much more to give. You had so much more joy to feel and love to share. You and I were going to show the whole world what true love was. Maybe it was just a glitch in the system. That some angel turned his head or took a pee break, and like that, you were gone. It was an accident. I hope God got really mad up there after that happened. I hope that the angel who turned his head got fired. Fuck, I hope he got beheaded.

I miss you so much. You were the only one who could just look into my eyes and tell me everything would be OK. You were the only one who could touch me and make me turn from sorrow to joy. You were the only one who could make me smile like that. You were the only one who could make me enjoy doing something I never thought I'd enjoy. You were the only one I ever saw down the aisle when I was dressed in white in my dreams. You were simply the one. I knew it. I couldn't wait to be yours forever. Life was supposed to be so beautiful. And now I don't know anything. I can't find you anywhere. I miss you so much.